Bryce and I have been waiting on a home purchase for months. Aside from being pregnant, this is the longest we have waited for anything. It’s a short sale and has been nearly 8 months. It’s been the kind of waiting where no one told us it would be THIS long and each time we think we are close to the end of the waiting, turns out, we are waiting some more. I had this big plan to be moved in by Christmas giving us just enough time to update some things in the house, move in, unpack, get everything decorated, and be ready for little John John to arrive! I have been buying little decorations and items for the house little by little and saving them in the basement of the house we are currently renting. I have been stressing out when life is happening around me thinking “…but that’s probably going to be right when we are moving!” I have legitimately been putting our life on hold in the last 7+ months thinking it would make things easier for when our plan finally worked out and we moved. Well guess what? Nothing ever goes according to plan. I don’t know why I try to plan and control things! Maybe it makes me feel calm? But it doesn’t! It only upsets me when my “plans” don’t go accordingly. This is not only true for our situation for buying this specific house, but for anything! I remember trying to plan getting pregnant with Scarlette. I stopped living my regular life and began making calculated decisions for something that maybe wasn’t the right timing. Boy was that upsetting when it didn’t happen exactly when I had planned. It only worried me even though it was all out of my control. Why are we waiting? Why are we putting our life on hold? God wants us to let go and choose Him. Not a house. Not the perfect timing of a baby. Not whatever it is that we are choosing instead of Him. I have, 100%, put more time and thought into the things I think I can control than my relationship with the Lord. It doesn’t make me happy to say that. I have to remind myself and have Bryce remind me as well that it is out of our hands. God has beautiful perfect plans for our lives and when we choose Him, He reveals them to us.
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Some days I like to think I am a good mom (so far) – that I play with my sweet Scarlette, that I let her be adventurous enough, that she is happy. I found myself in a situation today though, that I am not usually in. Let me give you my background first:
Back to today now. I was helping out a friend with an event for her business. It was a Saturday so I had Bryce stay home with Scarlette while I dressed up like I used to when I went to the office and talked with adults for a few hours. REAL ADULT CONVERSATION. Not about baby milestones or diapies while listening to the jingle of obnoxious baby toys – but about real life grown up things. I spend ALL my time with Scarlette so I REALLY miss her when I am gone. Even when I go to the store I miss her. Today was no different with the way I missed her, but for a brief moment, I thought to myself “Wow, this is really nice. I am a capable woman who can get dressed and wear makeup and nice clothes.” I felt worth something. And then I felt guilty for thinking that. I still feel guilty for thinking that. My daughter needs me and I AM worth something - especially to her. Then my mind started wandering and I started feeling mom-guilt for not doing enough for her or playing enough with her (I am VERY pregnant and I have made best friends with the couch). I was feeling really down (stupid pregnancy hormones!!), trying to figure out what I could do to bring myself back up. Then I felt empowered by the Holy Spirit. God is begging me to stop seeking self worth in other people or things. Stop seeking self worth in a career or successes. Stop seeking self worth in my child. He is begging me to start seeking my self-worth in Him. Titus 3:5 He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit When I am seeking self worth in a career, my child, or anything other than the Lord, I am saying “Look God, look what I did! Look how WORTHY I am of your love and righteousness.” God is not about that. He doesn’t care what we have done. Yeah it can sometimes feel good to do good works but it won’t ever make you feel fulfilled. You can never DO enough to feel worthy. I’ve said it before and I have to continuously remind myself – Only God can do that.
I would say overall I am a pretty happy person. I am happy with my life, my circumstances, and my surroundings – to include relationships that surround me. But…I have always had an irrational fear of tragedy. I think it may be from movies or TV shows – when someone’s life is going too well, there has to be some devastating event that settles the score. When my life is going exceptionally well, I have this horrible anxiety hidden in me that there is something awful that will happen. Something inside me tells me that in order to deserve happiness, I must conquer something. Jesus Calling Devotional by Sarah Young says:
If I find myself focusing on the problems that the world may surround me with, or even the POSSIBLE problems, I am putting my faith in the fact that the world is bad, waiting for the world to prove me right. I might say something like “this could happen” or “that could happen.” Let me tell you something – THE POWER OF YOUR WORDS IS INCREDIBLE. Matthew 7:7 says Keep asking and you will receive what you ask for. I fully believe that if you keep speaking something, you will receive what you speak. So I have to ask and remind myself – Why would I speak any negativity or tragedy into my life?
God didn’t create us to live in fear of our lives. God has blessed me with an incredible life. Yes, I may experience some downs but the ups are what make it all worth it. We don’t need to be afraid to be happy. We may or may not feel like we DESERVE to be happy but in reality we don’t. We are all sinners. One sin is as bad as another. But the Good News is that:
Theres been a lot of huge decision making going on in the Carrell house this week. Without going into too much detail, let me tell you a little bit of our story leading up to this point. My husband Hunter and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 3 years now. After seeing a fertility specialist and having all the necessary testing done we were told that the only way we could get pregnant was through in vitro fertilization. We also discovered that IVF would cost roughly $20,000 here in the US and that insurance would not cover any of the costs. The circumstances were overwhelming and we ultimately made the decision to hold off on the procedure and maybe try other treatments for the next year. Its now been a year and half since that first appointment and ,sadly, still no baby. We sat down this weekend and talked about our goals and dreams for the future as well as our desire for a child, which is when the idea of IVF was put back on the table. A serious decision had to be made both financially and spiritually on whether or not we would seek out this treatment. The question “ Are we making the right decision?” has been in my mind constantly since then which led me to look at what the Bible says about decision making while seeking Gods will.
As Christians we should always be seeking God’s will over our own , but what if His will for us is that we gain the wisdom and insight to make our own decisions through His word, and to have the faith and confidence to know God will be there guiding us regardless of the path we choose? God wants us to learn how to choose well but how do we do that? I would love if there was a chapter in the Bible titled ”5 Steps To Determine If God Is Calling You To Do IVF” or even “ How To Know God’s Will For Your Life”. While we won’t find those exact titles, there are some pretty important statements that can still help give us clarity.
What I took from these scriptures is that when facing a difficult decision, before asking God what His will is for my life, I should begin by asking for wisdom. This wisdom can come from not only God’s Word, but through His spirit, divine intervention, and even His people. Therefore ,when we are reading God’s word and keeping a close relationship with Him, paying attention to the Holy Spirits promptings and leadings, recognizing how God works in our circumstances, and staying in fellowship with other Christians, we ensure good decision making habits. As Christians, theres no need to live our lives in fear of making the wrong decisions. We have Gods love to thank for that. Even if we walk through the wrong door, as long as we do so with the right heart and a close relationship with God, His Will will always be done. I’m reminded that God’s Will for my life is so much more than which fertility treatments to try, where I should seek treatment or when and if I have a baby. God’s will for my life is that I abide in Christ, walk faithfully in the power of the Holy Spirit and have a deep and loving relationship with Him. Revelation 3:8 tells us that nothing can stand in the way of that. I may or may not have a slight obsession with planners. Its just something about making a schedule and knowing what to expect for my day, week, month and even year that makes me feel so happy and secure. My planner also allows me to indulge in my other obsession of list making. I rely so much on my planner and lists that it got me thinking about how nice it would be to have those types of resources for my faith. Just a nice planner sent directly from God with all the events of my life mapped out inside. Can you imagine? Today's devotional talked about our assignment to follow Jesus and allowing him to direct our path. I know for myself sometimes when Jesus says " Follow me, Rachel" I immediately get a lump in my throat, my palms start to sweat, I'm nervous, unsure and definitely uncomfortable. The perfect example of this was when Hunter got a job offer in a new field as a construction superintendent which would have us moving 1,200 miles away from our family and would have us moving to a new state every year for an indefinite amount of time. In our' "life planner", that was never even a thought. We figured we would always stay in Texas, live close to our families and stay in our little bubble of comfort and familiarity. I knew deep down that this is what the Lord was calling us to do but I wasn't comfortable with all of the unknowns and my emotional reaction to this new calling went a little something like this: I'm ok with that Lord, but you're gonna have to show me the plan (every detail of it) before I'll come with You. God, if you'll send me a sign that this is where you want us to go, then I'll go. Just hand me your planner, lists, and itinerary and i'm your girl. I truly think that if God gave me that planner and map of my life, I would immediately hyperventilate from the weight of that responsibility. Its too much for us to know all the details of God's perfect plans for us. I think we would try so hard to live up to those plans He has for us instead of resting in knowing He has our lives completely under control. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. |
Putting God first doesn’t compete with human relationships, it protects them. He will guide you in your relationships and marriage. You will feel fulfilled and whole, even when you are feeling overwhelmed or sad. | Our hearts cannot be full without Him. |
Psalm 40:2 “God also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps.”
Let’s stop trying to fill emptiness with things or people. It’s not fair to do that to someone and it will eventually result in disappointment. Fill emptiness with the Lord’s love. It is infinite.
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice. I'll hold on to what is true though I cannot see. |
Today my sweet baby girl has been sick. Nothing terrible, thank God, but sick enough to need a LOT of extra attention and an endless stream of snot pouring from her nose. I don’t love to wipe it and she doesn’t love to have it wiped – lose/lose!
Days like today make the hours seem beyond slow. By the time I get her squared away and put in bed, I am exhausted. I haven’t had time to have ANY “me” time, let alone be productive in any way.
When I put her in bed tonight, I sat down and just felt pathetic. I felt sorry for my baby for feeling so crummy and I felt sorry for myself for getting lost in this now useless day. Then I read the Jesus Calling devotional for the day:
Days like today make the hours seem beyond slow. By the time I get her squared away and put in bed, I am exhausted. I haven’t had time to have ANY “me” time, let alone be productive in any way.
When I put her in bed tonight, I sat down and just felt pathetic. I felt sorry for my baby for feeling so crummy and I felt sorry for myself for getting lost in this now useless day. Then I read the Jesus Calling devotional for the day:
SOFTLY I ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness. HEAVINESS IS NOT OF MY KINGDOM |
James 5:13 – Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
God does not want us to have a heavy heart. He wants us to find hope in Him. Hope in Him and He will protect AND HEAL self-pity and depression. Often times, I find that if I am feeling down, exhausted, or anxious, I try to figure out why. I try to analyze my day or week and figure out WHY I am feeling that way. Once I figure out why (if at all), I try to determine how to fix it. Sometimes I can figure out a temporary fix, other times it takes more time. But the answer should be simple and always the same:
I need to remind myself of this constantly. God’s got this. He has given me a beautiful life. My worries are so miniscule compared to others’. A lot of it depends on perspective too. I can understand how exhausting and stressful certain situations can be, especially to someone who has trouble (or simply doesn’t know) giving it up to God. Please just always remember – He will provide. It may be in a very different way than you are expecting but His plan is perfect. Thirst for His plan and nothing more.
I need to remind myself of this constantly. God’s got this. He has given me a beautiful life. My worries are so miniscule compared to others’. A lot of it depends on perspective too. I can understand how exhausting and stressful certain situations can be, especially to someone who has trouble (or simply doesn’t know) giving it up to God. Please just always remember – He will provide. It may be in a very different way than you are expecting but His plan is perfect. Thirst for His plan and nothing more.
Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I started pondering what I could write about today, asking myself what was heavy on my heart. I read my devotional and read some bible verses before being distracted with Pinterest. I'm obsessed with Pinterest. Probably in an unhealthy way (que nervous laugh). Pinterest gives me inspiration for all the fun DIY things I can create.
Then I got to thinking... why do I like to DIY stuff? Why is that something I enjoy?
Part of me likes how it can be cheaper than purchasing something. The other part of me loves being able to see what I created from nothing, or from something that was broken and just needs a little love. But it isn't ever a sure thing. DIY projects are a little scary because they can end up using a bunch of my time and not working out. I could end up out of money, out of materials, AND a no forward progress on a project. Let me tell you something, that is the most frustrating. When I have put blood, sweat, and tears in a project and it's just not right when I am done.
Then I got to thinking...
Then I got to thinking... why do I like to DIY stuff? Why is that something I enjoy?
Part of me likes how it can be cheaper than purchasing something. The other part of me loves being able to see what I created from nothing, or from something that was broken and just needs a little love. But it isn't ever a sure thing. DIY projects are a little scary because they can end up using a bunch of my time and not working out. I could end up out of money, out of materials, AND a no forward progress on a project. Let me tell you something, that is the most frustrating. When I have put blood, sweat, and tears in a project and it's just not right when I am done.
Then I got to thinking...
God is a DIYer. He is not only A creator but THE creator. He put his time into creating LIFE. He put His blood, sweat, and many many tears into creating a perfect being. Can you even begin to imagine how disappointed He was when Adam and Eve betrayed him? When I try to imagine, I feel immense guilt.
I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people (1 Peter 2:9) | The difference between me and God (well the list is infinite) but a difference between me and God is that he keeps fixing the broken. I will give it maybe one more effort if my project fails but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. |
God keeps coming back to heal you.
He will forever come back to help us. We are broken. Just like when I see a project that no one else can see the end result and I go for it anyway - He knows how much potential we have. He knows how happy we could be if He could just reach us and be near to us like He created us to be. We have to stop running and hiding from God.
He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
The incredible thing about all of this is that regardless of how broken we are, He will always love us and accept us. He heals us. He mends our wounds and helps us understand that no matter how impure we are, He still wants us and loves us.
After a slurry of holidays and travels and days off, today is a day to relax. When I say relax, I don't mean wander around the house in my pajamas thinking about what yummy food I can cook up or snack on all day. Today's day to relax means resting in the Lord.
As I sit and meditate in the Lord's word I instantly feel relief. I tend to find myself caught up in planning and knowing what's next that I can overwhelm myself with a lot of nothing. When I spend time in prayer or simply thinking of all that God has done for me and my family and all of the sacrifices He made before I was even around, it is incredible. I am immediately grateful for more and life seems so much larger than my day to day stresses.
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
—Psalm 105:4
—Psalm 105:4
Take a couple minutes to rest in Him. He will bring you to a place of calmness and tranquility. Resting in God has increased my desire to seek Him. Sometimes when I look back, it seems like an endless circle of hide and seek. But then I realize, He isn't hiding from me. I am the one hiding from Him. When I am close to Him, I am happy. That's all I need to remember.
Writer:
Aften - mama, worker, DIYer, and lover of Jesus.
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